I’ve been reading a lot online about people that have suffered a loss. Most of these posts are on my Facebook page and each time I read about a child, mother, or any loved one who has passed, I think of my mother. I usually do not blog on how much I miss her, her touch when she hugged me, her smile, her wonderful laugh, and, most important, her unconditional love and understanding she gave me throughout my life. There are so many times, even after all of these years,roughly 18, that I still want to pick up the phone to tell her something that has happened that particular day to me or to someone in the family. She had an ease about her that made chatting something I will never be able to replace with anyone else. I remember when she died, I did not have the heart to try to explain this to our 5-year-old at the time, so I told him as easy as possible that his me-mom went up to heaven to watch over us forever and ever. That every time he looked into the sky and saw a star, that was her smiling upon him and all of us. He took it rather well, trying to understand the permanent part of this ‘trip to heaven,’ but his little smile when I told him this was perfect. I never really share with social media that when he graduated high school, went to his proms, graduated college and soon to be graduate school, that I get mad during the ceremony. I feel bitter deep inside and think how unfair it is that she is not here to witness this along with everyone else. My mother was cheated out of a long life and, although, I comprehend this, I do not understand why.
So, there it is, my posting of my innermost feelings, something I do not feel comfortable with sharing with everyone, daily on social media. I feel sad when I read those posts and try to be supportive, but now you all can see, I am right there by your side, morning, crying, and not understanding the ‘why me’ part of it as well.
